Thursday, October 29, 2015

dear soon to be single mom

Dear soon to be single mom, I'm sorry for what you're going through. The tears. The uncertainties. The "what ifs" and "if only" thoughts that run through your brain. Endlessly. At 3 a.m.

Divorce sucks. No matter who wants it. No matter if he started it or you started it. No matter who's at fault. Even if nobody is to blame.

You made plans. You had dreams. Your little family was happy -- or maybe not so happy. You married for better or worse. This is worse than worse. 

Fun times with kiddos...not so much when you're going through a divorce. It feels like your whole life is ending...and it is. The life you knew and embraced is no more.

Divorce is hard. Harder than you think it will be. Hard times a million. Saying good-bye to your littles every weekend, every other weekend or every day hurts. A lot. Deep in your heart.

Watching the love of your life go forward without you is no easier. 

Just when you thought you were so over him -- you will realize that you still love him. It hurts.

You tried your hardest to keep it all together. But it broke anyway, shattered into a zillion unfixable pieces.

You see the pieces when you look into the mirror. And when you look into the eyes of your little ones.

Your heart is broken. Even if he treated you terribly. Even if he cheated on you. Even if you hated him at the end.

Because there's still that little piece of you that loves him. You see him in your littles. In their smiles. In their tears. In their faces that scrunch up just like his.

You meant it when you said "for better or worse." Maybe you still mean it. 

It's okay to grieve. Divorce is a kind of death. It's a death of your dreams. A death of your goals.

A death of your future. The future you thought you'd share. The future that now seems so uncertain.

It's okay to cry. To scream. To feel sad. And lonely. And maybe a little hopeless.

It's okay to be angry. To feel hurt. These are all normal emotions that serve you well during this abnormal time in your life.

You didn't think it would end this way. You didn't think you'd be one of "them" -- those single moms you see alone at the park with their little ones. 

Those moms without partners that order their food to go at restaurants. Who don't want to sit and eat alone in a world that's sorted by pairs.

Those moms who celebrate their kids' big moments alone instead of sharing with the other parent. Who sit alone at PTA meetings and soccer games. Who don't get a break. Ever.

You wanted a love that would last forever. You thought you had it. But it's gone. And it hurts. You thought you'd grow old together. But you won't. And it's not fair.

The big D. You never thought it would happen to you. You thought your marriage was strong enough. Why? Who knows. 

But better days are coming. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe not even soon. But they are coming. You can't get around the fire without walking through it.

It's a hard journey. But you can do it. You're strong enough. You love your kids. Nothing will change that. No matter what. Through sleepless nights and moneyless days. You'll make it.

Trust yourself. Trust God -- whether or not you believe. Trust your friends. The true ones. Who don't talk about you behind your back. Trust your family. They love you. Always and forever.

And trust your kids. You'll get through this. Together. Hand in hand. Side by side. Hold them tight and wipe their tears. Tell them you love them. 

Tell them their dad loves them too. They need both of you. They need your permission to love both of you. They are a part of both of you. 

Sometimes when you're doing it all, it seems like you deserve all the credit. Maybe you do. But let him have some of the credit too. He loves them too. Even if it doesn't always seem that way.

I'm sorry for your journey, dear soon to be single mom. I've walked it too. It gets better. And sometimes it gets worse. But you can do it. 

Your kids are counting on you. To give them strength. To show them how to get through it. To help them say good-bye to someone they love. Over and over. Trust yourself. You've got this mama.

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